Implausible movie chases.......

A while back we talked about great movie chases and a lot of people really liked the posts. I had a few people ask about bad ones as well. What constitutes a bad one? When the cars are completely mismatched or they use CGI to do something that is physically impossible.  Here's a list of some that I love to hate, in no particular order. # 1 "Wanted". This stinker breaks the record for implausiblity-shooting bullets around corners?  The horrid chase scene is Angelina Jolie and James Macavoy driving a Dodge Viper and being chased by a guy in a UPS type truck who miraculously has the horsepower and cornering ability to stay up with a Viper. Yeah, right. A 30 second scene of Angie nude and barefoot getting out of a bath isn't worth the price of a DVD rental. The whole thing sucks. # 2. "Cobra" Sly Stallone was riding high in 1986-he'd released "Rocky" and "Rambo" sequels in 1985 that both grossed gazillions of dollars. Like Leo in "Titanic" he was "King of the World".  Then he screwed up with this stinker. He plays Marion Cobretti a "Dirty Harry" type cop on the trail of a gang of ax-murderers who want to create a "New World". How they plan to do this by murdering people goes unexplained. Brigitte Nielson is a model who witnesses one of their ax-killings, and she seeks police protection. Stallone swaggers through the film wearing mirrored sunglasses and leather gloves ( even when eating pizza and watching t.v. at home ). and carrying a cocked and locked pearl-handled Colt .45 without a holster stuffed in the front of his pants. ( Not recommended by the NRA ). The chase is terrible because Stallones ride is a hot-rodded '50 Ford with nitrous, and he wrecks it while unsuccesfully trying to outrun a 4-door Plymout Volare!!!  Nielson doesn't even get naked, and sadly, ladies, amazingly, for once Sly doesn't even take his shirt off. It just pissed me off. Which brings up......# 3. "Get Carter".  Since the 1971 version starring Micheal Caine was totally badassed-Carter kills three people and has phone sex with Britt Eklund in the first 15 minutes, and goes out in a blaze of glory after kicking everyone in the London underworld's ass trying to avenge his brother's murder, I was actually looking forward to this 2000 update starring Sly as Carter, who instead of a British thug, is a Las Vegas "fixer". Sly again swaggers through the film, this time in an Armani suit and mirrored sunglasses threatening everyone to "Take this to another level".  Unfortunately, he never takes it to the next level. A muscle-bound Mickey Rourke who looks like the Joker after his botched plastic surgery and Sly have two totally implausible fights-Mickey kicks the shit out of Stallone completely one-sided, and five minutes later Stallone kicks the shit out of Mickey completely one-sided. Ultra-sexy Rhona Mitra is totally wasted as his dead brothers mistress-she doesn' even get naked-and od's halfway through the film. Two chases-one between a 1980 Volvo and a 1985 Cadillac Deville-two slugs, and in the crash-the airbag triggers. In a 1980 Volvo???  The other chase is between Sly driving a 320 hp Northstar Seville STS, and he has trouble leaving John C. Mcginley who's driving a '70s Jag XJ6-which had what-150 hp?  Come on, guys. And he doesn't die in a blaze of glory, he has a cutesy goodbye scene with the niece that caused all the trouble in the first place. Gag. Let's hope next month's "Bullet to the Head" starring Sly and directed by Walter Hill ( "48 Hrs", "Last Man Standing", "Undisputed" )  is better.  # 4. "The Driver" I loved this badass gangster flick, and it has a great scene of Ryan O' Neal demolishing a Mercedes in a parking garage while his Russian Mob passengers scream like schoolgirls. A couple other good chases in here, but in the finale O' Neal is driving a stick-shift '76 Chevy pickup-( You know how hard those are to shift above half-throttle ) and catches a guy driving a '76 Trans Am. Puhlleeeze. If the truck was a 454 automatic, and they were drag-racing down a straight road, maybe. But cornering around city streets- ala' "Bullitt?"  Uh-uh. A '70's T/A is one of the best-handling cars ever built even to this day, and a '70's Chevy truck corners like the Titanic. They had him driving a Gold Formula Firebird earlier in the film, why not use that to catch the T/A?  That would have been believable.  #5. "Jack Reacher."  I love the Jack Reacher books, so I was a little disappointed that they cast Tom Cruise. ( In the books Reacher is 6'5" and 270 lbs. What- Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson or John Cena or Howie Long wasn't available? ) I was also disappointed in the chase. The day I can't outrun a few 2008 Crown Vics in a 1970 4-speed, SS396 Chevelle is the day I'll committ hari-kari on the White House lawn, and I'm not a military-trained mercenary. Which reminds me.... # 6. "Fast and Furious 4."  Two stinker races here. Paul Walker, driving a pumped-up front-drive, 4-banger 1989 Nissan 240SX  somehow manages to stay up with Vin Diesel who's driving a 4-speed, 1970 SS396 Chevelle with Nitrous. Later he manages the same feat-he's driving a 2009 Subaru WRX that manages to stay up with Diesel's 1970 426 Hemi Charger that has a BLOWER on it, on a mostly straight road, not the twisties. Yeah, right.  I have to quote "Stuntman Mike"-the pervert who kills women with his car in "Death Proof" played by Kurt Russel. "I long for the Vanishing Point days, the Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry, White Line Fever days." "Great men doing great things with great cars, not CGI."  I mean, that 455 Grand Ville would have given a 350 Ventura a helluva run, just like they showed in "The Seven Ups". On some things, ya gotta go "Old School." And car chases are one of them. Mastermind