With "Once upon a time in Hollywood"-Quentin Tarantino's much anticipated look at the Manson Murders-being advertised, talk has also resurfaced about him doing a "White Lightning" remake, as he's said it's one of his favorite action flicks. I don't think it's a good idea. I touched on it a couple years
ago in detail, but it's worth re-visiting. The reason I hate remakes is they are rarely as good or better than the original, and they usually don't do justice to the characters or the story. Here's a few classics that they tried to re-do and in my mind, failed miserably on regardless of box-office gross. # 1. "Cape Fear" This one starred Gregory Peck as a prosecutor who sent a violent criminal to prison and then is harrassed and stalked by the vengeful ex-con when he gets out. Robert Mitchum delivered a tour de force performance as the evil Max Cady. Mitchum was scary as hell. Robert DeNiro in the remake with his tattoos and phony southern accent paled by comparison. You got the impression that Mitchum flourished in prison. Like the old joke-"Yea though I walk through the valley of death, I fear no evil." "For I am the meanest motherfucker in the valley." DeNiro's character, who's supposed to be equally badass, whines to Nick Nolte about getting raped in prison, and having to be somebody's bitch!! Like MC Hammer said-"Can't Touch This". And shouldn't have. Mitchum oozed sexual menace when casually threatening Peck's wife and daughter. Here's where the remake lost it. Polly Bergen was the dutiful,faithful wife, who stood by her man through thick and thin, and even endured rape stoically to protect her daughter. Lori Martin was the virginal teenage girl who loved her daddy and had no idea the trouble that was awaiting the family. By contrast-Jessica Lange came off as a vengeful cunt who wanted to punish her husband ( Nick Nolte ) for cheating on her in the past. In the original no mention was made of infidelity by the lawyer. The director just wanted to add drama. It didn't. It made the lawyer look like an asshole and his wife look like a bitch. Juliette Lewis played the daughter and she came off as a rotten little cunt too. Screw-up #2-in the original Mitchum brutally rapes a hooker and walks when she refuses to testify, confounding the police and adding to Peck's angst. In the remake the director again going for more unnecessary drama-the girl DeNiro rapes is the girl Nolte cheated on his wife with. Groan. In the final, fight to the finish on a housbeoat, again-the director screws up Jessica Lange practically begs DeNiro to do her instead of Juliette Lewis, like she's jealous that "Max Cady" would even think of taking the younger girl over her middle-aged "milfness". Yuck. In the remake Nolte kills DeNiro. In the original Gregory Peck lays an ass-whippin on Mitchum like any husband and father would in this situation and sends him back to prison, which for Max Cady, is a fate worse than death. No comparison, Mitchum and Peck hit it out of the park, Nolte and DeNiro failed miserably. # 2. "The Mechanic." Charles Bronson is most famous for "Death Wish", but in my opinion this was his best movie followed closely by the Elmore Leonard penned "Mr. Majestyk". Arthur Bishop is a Hitman who lives in a cool house and get's his assignments by mail and over the phone from a shadowy organization. A friend of his father's asks Bishop to intervene on his behalf in a dispute with the bosses. Bishop does-he kills the guy at the orginization's behest. He also suffers from anxiety, migraine headaches, and insomnia, and is so lonely that he pays expensive hookers to write him love letters. He also strikes up a friendship with the son of the man he rubbed out, who's an adrenaline junkie played with glee by a young Jan-Micheal Vincent. Bishop teaches him the asassins's trade, and get's his ass chewed for bringing the kid in when a job nearly goes sideways. Bronson defiantly tells the boss "Steve will be working with me from now on." "Someone trained by me should have immense value to you." The orginization then tries to take Bishop out, and he's saved by Steve. Then Steve and Bishop start a game of cat and mouse, stalking each other, each thinking the other doesn't know. They kill each other in a totally surprise, and badass ending. In the remake, Jason Statham is your average happy, go-lucky guy. He just kills people for a living. You know, a Quirk, like Leatherface wearing a mask made of human skin and cutting up people with a chainsaw. He's such a nice guy that he buys the hooker a puppy. Steve McKenna is played by Ben Foster, who unlike Jan-Micheal Vincent who hung on Bronson's every word and followed his instructions to the letter while learning from the master, Foster seems intent on doing the exact opposite of what Statham tells him and seems hell-bent on fucking up every assignment. Why Statham puts up with this is unknown. Then when they try to kill each other, they make it look like Arthur Bishop somehow survived, obviously to leave room for a sequel, which sucked even worse. Jessica Alba, barefoot in a bikini almost the whole movie, couldn't save it. Need I say more? # 3. True Grit. John Wayne won his only Oscar for portraying Rooster Cogburn, a one-eyed, hard drinking, quick tempered,even quicker trigger fingered, ass kicking U.S. Marshal. The tone is set when he's testifying in a trial early in the film. A defense attorney asks him "Marshal Cogburn, how many men have you shot?" John Wayne responds-"Shot or Killed?" Kim Darby played the young girl who enlists Marshal Cogburn to hunt down the man who killed her father and stole their prize horses. Country Singer Glen Campbell does a good job as a greedy Texas Ranger who is after the same guy on a Texas murder warrant, who Rooster grudgingly allows to tag along. They eventually get their man. John Wayne snarling "Fill your hand, you sonofabitch!!" Has to rank up there with Clint Eastwood saying "Go ahead, make my day.". There's also the race where Rooster rides like the wind to get Kim medical treatment for a snake bite. In the remake Jeff Bridges comes off like a homeless drunk. Scenes of him falling off his horse, and out of bed just irritated me. Kim Darby's part was played by a girl who looked almost black. In 1870-a black girl couldn't have been as headstrong and belligerent as the character was. Blonde-haired, blue eyed Kim Darby could carry it off. Don't give me a politically correct lecture or call me a racist-I'm speaking of the time period the movie was set in. That's why "Wild, Wild West" sucked. Will Smith playing James West? They didn't have black Secret Service Agents in 1865!!! Anyhow, it was awful. Should never have been attempted. Anyhow-back to "White Lightning". With Marijuana now legal, no one's going to care about illegal whiskey. It would have to be set in the '60's. And you'd have to use old cars-as new ones will break, the fuel pumps shut off, airbags trigger etc during the car chase scenes. Casting is going to be hard. "Lightning" was made right after "Deliverance". This was when Burt Reynolds was at the top of his game, when he still acted, before "Smokey and the Bandit" when he started phoning in his "Good Ole Boy" dipshit persona. I mean the movie opens with him in prison, for a crime he freely admits doing. No good guy falsely accused, or doing time for a crime he didn't do hollywood bullshit. And it's obvious from the get go that "Gator" plans to kill the corrupt sheriff that killed his brother. That's a badass motherfucker. Hopefully they won't sissify "Gator" by trying to make him likable. Who could do it? Maybe Brad Pitt. Maybe Matthew McConaughey. Playing a badass southerner is hard. Clint Eastwood was great as "Dirty Harry", but he couldn't have done "Gator Mcluskey" or "Buford Pusser". See what I'm saying? So that leaves out Mark Wahlberg, Bradley Cooper, Colin Farrel, and a bunch of other "It" guys right now. Who's going to fill Ned Beatty's shoes as the evil, corrupt, J.C. Connors? Maybe Don Johnson. Maybe Kurt Russel. And the immortal "Shake a Puddin'?" Her dark brown roots showing in her bleach-blonde hair, barefoot in that skimpy sundress the whole movie, Jennifer Billingsley just oozed sex. She wasn't even mad when "Gator" set her for attempted rape so they could escape "Big Bear" and his henchmen. She drove him to a home for unwed mothers for medical attention. She nailed the southern slut that men die and kill for. Others have tried-Kim Basinger in "No Mercy", Teri Hatcher in "Heaven's Prisoners", most recently Reese Witherspoon in "Mud"-all valiant efforts by talented actresses, but none can top "Shake a Puddin". Who can play her? Maybe Pam Anderson, maybe Charlize Theron. I know Tarantino likes to cast black actors in traditionally white roles-Jaime Foxx in "Django", Pam Grier in "Jackie Brown" ( in the book "Rum Punch"on which the movie is based "Jackie" was a Pam Anderson looking blonde ). and he's had success doing it. Rosario Dawson or Lex Scott Davis, or Halle Berry are certainly sexy enough, no argument there-but could they pull off the southern-ness, shameless flirty way that only southern girls have? QT is a talented guy, but lately he's been preaching to the choir. If you've seen his other movies you get the inside jokes. If you haven't, your going-"What the hell was that?" Hopefully he forget "Lightning" or if he doesn't, hopefully it will re-energize him to be the genius film maker we know he can be. Mastermind
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