Ghosts of Past postings.......

Funny thing about the internet-like people warn women who post provocative pictures of themselves-once somethings on there, it's on there forever. Got a bunch of spittingly hysterical emails regarding something I posted like two years ago. I was talking about some of the musclecars I had owned and the fun I had with them. Didn't know that stating a fond memory could arouse such anger. I love these people-if something early in a post rubs you the wrong way, stop reading and vent your anger immediately, and be sure to use f-bombs and other profanity so we know your serious. If the writer responds with proof that you are wrong-i.e.-by citing a sentence or paragragh you failed to read or producing a window sticker, build sheet, 1/4 mile timeslip or a factory service manual or magazine road test-you are under no obligation to apologize. You can simply slink away until you want to spew profanity on someone else who says something you don't agree with.  Anyway I think everyone will find these entertaining. Bile spewer # 1's problem was he didn't believe that my GTO Judge could have beaten my buddy's Six-Pack Super Bee in a drag race. He said I lived on "Fantasy Island" because I stated that my GTO-that had a 12:1 compression 400 with ported RAIII heads, a Cam with 337 advertised duration and .550 lift, roller rockers, Hooker headers and an Offy Dual-Quad intake with two 750 AFBs on it backed by a Rock-Crusher 4-speed and a 4.33 geared 12 bolt posi with Lakewood ladder bars and N50-15 Mickey Thompson soft-compund tires ran off and left my pal's bone-stock 440 Six-Pack Super Bee that had a Torqueflite, 3.23:1 gears and GR70-15 Sears radials on it. Yeah, I made that one up!! Because we all know that a Pontiac can't outrun a Mopar under ANY circumstances right?  He also had trouble believing that my brother's GTO that has the Edelbrock Performer RPM package-which Edelbrock claims 422 hp from-and weighs 3,731 lbs-could not possibly have beaten a 5,700 lb SRT-10 Crew-Cab pickup in a drag race.  This clown probably has a Dodge Ram pickup with the rubber testicles hanging off the rear differential and a sticker of Calvin ( From "Calvin and Hobbes" fame ) pissing on a Ford or Chevy logo.  Bile Spewer # 2. was pissed because I said back in the '80's my 403 Olds powered '77 Trans-Am never got beat by a 5.0 Mustang. He said I was dreaming if I thought that a "16 second" "Smog Dog" could beat a mighty 5.0 'Stang. He must have missed the part where I said the T/A had headers and real dual exhausts on it as well as a Holley Street Dominator intake, a custom jetted Carb Shop Quadrajet and a TransGo shift kit in the TH350, which allowed it to run a best of 14.78 and would run 14.9's all day even in 90 degree heat. He also must have missed the part where I cited Road Tests of Mustangs from 1987-93-which everyone agrees are the best preformaing "5.0's"-better than the carburated '82-'86 models. Hot Rod had the fastest one with a 14.72-Road and track had the slowest one with a 15.29.  Doubtless you can do the math and see that my T/A's 1/4 mile time falls right in line with those figures. He also must have missed where I stated that Hot Rod ran the 14.72 by slipping the clutch and walking the Mustang off the line at 1,800 rpm and short shifting at 4,900 rpm to avoid excessive wheelspin and take full advantage of the 302's tractor-like torque curve. I also said Most Mustang drivers I knew popped the clutch at 3 grand, incinerated the tires for 200 feet or more, and powershifted at 5,500 rpm, which while creating a great spectacle of noise and tire smoke, wasn't conducive to good 60- foot or 1/4 mile times, and while my automatic, positraction T/A would spin the tires for maybe 30 feet and once I got a two car length lead, with 100 extra cubes under the hood, they couldn't get it back. But obviously that's a completely impossible scenario right?  Bile Spewer # 3 was pissed off because I said I had fun tormenting little boys in their rice-rockets like Subaru WRX's with my Chevy powered Hurst / Olds. He dropped several f-bombs saying there's no way in hell that could happen. I guess he didn't read the part where I metioned that Hot Rod ran a 12.44 with their ZZ4 powered Chevelle that had 4.30:1 gears. a 3,500 rpm converter and slicks., and that even if my ZZ4-powered Cutlass-which weighs roughly the same as a Chevelle and has 4.10:1 gears, a 2,500 rpm converter and 255/60R15 drag radials on it was a FULL second slower than the Hot Rod test mule it would still be running 13.40's-which is still a FULL second faster ( 10 car lengths ) than the 14.4 that Car and Driver's pre-2008 224 Hp WRX ran and 4 tenths quicker ( 4 car lengths ) than the 13.8 that the 305 hp 2009 STI model ran. This clown offered to run me for pinks with his nitrous-fed 2005 GTO. That's logic-I'l defend the honor of stock Japanese cars with my modified American Musclecar.  This guy is probably the genius that wrote to Playboy and asked why their "Barefoot Beauties " magazine didn't have the girls wearing boots or high heels in any of the pictures. Here's your sign.  Anyway-I thought it was funny that I'm getting hate mail from something I posted 2 years ago. Mastermind    

Some more '60's and '70's cult action flicks with muscle cars....

In "Death Proof"  Kurt Russell tells Rose McGowan that he's sick of CGI-that he longs for the "Vanishing Point" Days-the "Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry days-when you had brave men doing great feats with great cars.  We've talked about movies featuring muscle machines before but there's always a few we overlooked. Here's some I was reminded of recently. # 1. "The Born Losers". Tom Laughlin starred in and directed-( under the pseudonym -"T.C. Frank" ) this little-known, but well done action flick. "Losers" actually introduced the "Billy Jack" character in 1965-six years before he had a surprise hit in 1971. Of the two films-"Born Losers is by far the better work. While "Billy Jack" was full of anti-Vietnam War rhetoric, and Civil-Rights struggles-BJ protects "The Freedom School" from angry rednecks. Even the theme song-"One Tin Soldier" is blatantly anti-war. If you watch it today, it's so dated it's hailarious. However-Born Losers is still easy to watch as a good, badass action flick. Billy Jack is a half-Indian ex-Green Beret Viet Nam vet / Cowboy / Rodeo rider who gets in trouble when he stops a Hell's Angel type biker gang from killing a motorist in the beach resort town he lives near. The biker gang is also selling drugs and raping young girls, and generally terrorizing the town. The small town sheriff's department is helpless to stop them. When they rape Billy Jack's girlfriend and trash his trailer, he takes the law into his own hands. Laughlin was a talented martial-artist; his Hapkido style of Kenpo Karate is fluid and realistic in the fight scenes-he looks much more at ease than Steven Seagal or Jean-Claude Van Damme. You get the feeling that he's been in real fights off the movie set. Him quietly asking the bikers not to mess with him in a gas station is more manacing than Vin Diesel's famous "500 Fights" speech from Knockaround guys. Needless to say he kicks a lot of ass and as he promised earlier-shoots Jeremy Slate-the biker gang leader right between the eyes. Lot's of vintage motorcycles and cars, and girls in bikinis. Even 48 years later, except for the cars and the hairstyles-it's not dated. That makes a good action flick.  # 2. "Gone in 60 Seconds". To quote Tracie Thoms in "Death Proof"-the badass original not that Angelina Jolie Bullshit"  H.B. Halicki wrote, directed and starred in this surprise hit about a car theif-thus the title-your car is "Gone in 60 Seconds". 90 minutes of automotive mayhem starring a yellow 1973 Mustang Mach 1- named "Eleanor". Halicki tried again in 1977 with The Junkman" but that never went anywhere. "Gone in 60 seconds was like "Deep Throat" a low-budget flick that grossed many millions. It's still fun to watch. # 3. "Eat My Dust".  Before he became an Academy Award winning director- Ron Howard was an actor. Trying to shed his Mayberry RFD and Happy Days Goodie-two-shoes image he made two action movies in 1976-one was the John Wayne classic "The Shootist"  The other was this drive-in cult favorite. Howard's character steals a '68 Camaro Race Car and leads the police and the whole town on a series of spectacular chases. Why was it one of Billy Bob's drive-in favorites? "Blew his fuckin" fenders off!!" was the most dialogue delivered by anyone in the film. 12 year old boys then and now love this flick. # 4. Bobbi Joe and The Outlaw."  Evangelist turned-action-star Marjoe Gortner was sexy and menacing as a drifter / Car thief who kills someone in self-defense. A pre-"Wonder Woman"  Lynda Carter gets naked a lot which is a plus. Decent car chase action featuring a Mustang and other musclecars that Gortner steals. Low-brow, but entertaining in a Roger Corman cult classic kind of way. Did I mention Lynda Carter spends a lot of time naked?   # 5. "A Small Town in Texas". Southern-Fried revenge tale that's lean and mean. Quentin Tarantino wishes he could make stuff like this, but he get's bogged down in too much dialogue. A young Timothy Bottoms is a Texas football hero who may or may not have been railroaded to prison on drug charges. by corrupt sheriff Bo Hopkins. He's done his time and just wants to re-unite with his high-school girlfriend and their son that he's never seen. The smokin' hot Susan George- ( "Mandingo", "Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry" ) was at her bleach-blonde, straining halter-top, barefoot southern tramp best. Since Hopkins has been dating her while Bottoms was in jail, and doesn't want to lose the town hottie to her old boyfriend, he tries to set him up on drug charges again. Several great chases one with Bottoms riding a 650 Triumph, another with him driving a 427 powered '65 Chevy Pickup. After Hopkins kills his best friend and trashes their shop and a classic car they were restoring. Bottoms quietly, but menacingly proclaims "I see now, my only option is to kill that man."  "I wish I'd seen it sooner."  And then he leaves to go murder Hopkins and run away to Mexico with Susan.  Totally Badass. I don't know why it wasn't a bigger hit.  # 6. "Mitchell". Bo Svenson got the "Walking Tall" sequel because Joe Don Baker was making this film at the same time.  Baker made the right choice. The Walking Tall sequel was awful-no where near as good as the orignal and it flopped. Mitchell wasn't a huge theatrical hit; but it got good reviews and reigns as a drive-in and cable-tv cult classic. Mitchell is a burned-out detective who thinks rich fat-cat John Saxon murdered a latino burgular in cold-blood. He also thinks Saxon and Martin Balsam are partners in laundering drug money. A couple of good chases featuring a Mustang and some cop cars, and some dune buggies. A pre-"Dynasty" Linda Evans is great as a high-priced hooker that Saxon tries to bribe Mitchell with. Her Ice-Queen image is perfectly portrayed in a great scene. She's lying naked on the bed on her stomach., reading Playboy and giving a running commntary on what she thinks of the Playmates and how she compares to them while Baker is kissing her gorgeous feet, legs and ass. When he stops and gets up to go to the bathroom, she shakes her foot, and then looks over her shoulder, genuinely surprised that he stopped, and continues reading Playboy aloud. I liked the Ice-Queen Hooker way better than the whiny Krystal Carrington she played on Dynasty. Only topped by the scene where he arrests her for drug posession and drags her into the station handcuffed in lingerie and high heels. She asks the booking officer-"Does it matter that he screwed me before he arrested me?". The booking officers says- "You really screwed that?"  "Hell, Mitchell I'm Impressed."  A fight-to-the-finish finale with ex-Rams defensive tackle Merlin Olson is pretty good too. Overall a good, macho action flick.  # 7. "The California KId". This made for TV movie has a lot of star power. Martin Sheen, Vic Morrow and Michelle Phillips star in this revenge tale. It's set in 1958, and Vic Morrow is a corrupt sheriff who gets his jollies by running speeders off the road to their deaths in his Hemi Cop Car. One of the speeders he killed is Sheen's brother. A disgruntled Korean War vet, Sheen swaggers into town in a hopped up, flamed, black '34 Ford Coupe. The car, built by Pete Chapouris, became so Iconic-that you can order a new Harley with a "California Kid" paint job-black with yellow and orange flames. The tension builds until their final showdown on a curvy road. A cult classic.  Mastermind           .        

My Mama told me you better shop around.....

"Pretty Girls come a dime a dozen son, you got to find one that's gonna give you give you good lovin'" "My mama told me, you better shop around."  That was a classic '50's rock song by Smokey Robinson, but it holds true for the musclecar buyer.  For example-I have seen advertised a 400 / automatic '76 Black and Gold SE Trans Am with 60,000 original miles for $26,500.  On the same website I have seen a 400, 4-speed, 10th anniversary model with 66,000 original miles for $14,900. And in the pictures they were in similar condition.  Which is the better deal?  I have seen a 69,000 mile numbers-matching Ram Air IV '69 GTO with 4.33 gears and original paint for sale for $45,000. I have also seen a '69 GTO Judge with a Ram Air III for $59,000. Duh!!! The RAIV for 15 grand less is the better deal!!!  I have seen a nice 351CJ, 4-speed 1971 Mustang Mach 1 for $12,900. On the same website I see a 1973 351CJ / Automatic Mustang Mach 1 for $19,000.  Which is the better deal?  I have seen a numbers-matching 1969 W31, 4-speed, 4.33 geared 1969 Cutlass / F85 for $45,000. On the same website I have seen a numbers-matching 1970 W31, 4-speed, 3.90 geared Cutlass / F85 for $69,000. They were both frame-off restorations, and both pristine. The '69 model had headers on it and drum brakes. The '70 model had stock exhausts and front disc brakes. Which is the better deal? I saw a 1968 426 Hemi / 4-speed Coronet R/T for $109,000. The same Website had a 440,4-speed 1968 GTX in similar condition for $59,000. I don't play in that league, but if you did, is a Hemi worth an extra $50,000?  You decide. I have seen on the same page in Hemmings motor news a 1969 Shelby GT 350 for $58,000. Another one, even the same color, in similar condition, for $44,000.  Follow Smokey's advice- You better shop around. Mastermind            

More on the path of Most Resistance......

Got some more inquiries about what combo to build from several people, and again, they all pooh-poohed what I said. Why ask a professional advice and then go completely against what the guy said?  Here's another couple of examples of this insanity. Not listener # 1 wanted to hot rod his '89 Mustang and get the most "Bang for the Buck".. I suggested that he buy a 345 hp Ford 302 SVT crate motor. It would bolt right in, and with some 3.73 gears and drag radials it should put that light car solidly in the 12s. If he wanted to go faster than that I suggested adding a Ford Racing blower to the crate motor which would bump hp up to 495 and put him solidly in the 11s, while still having decent drivability. He asked about transplanting a 4.6 from a later model. When I said that would be a huge pain in the ass and expensive, and that there was actually more speed equipment for the "5.0" Fox cars than there are for the '96 and later models. When I stated that there are guys running 9s with stock block 302s or 347 strokers, and that a 4.6 wouldn't go any faster at twice the price, he asked if a 460 would be a better idea. When I said that would be even more trouble and expense and wouldn't really go much faster than a pumped up 302, he said I had no imagination. Ok, Imagine all you want, but I know guys that are running 11s with their "5.0's" that don't have 5 grand in the whole car. Transplanting a 4.6 or swapping in a hot 460 would cost way more than that. I though he wanted the most "Bang" for the buck?  Not listener # 2 had a '75 Duster with a 318 that he wanted to go real fast with. I told him to get a 360 Magnum out of a Jeep Cherokee or Dodge Pickup and add a hot roller cam and an Edelbrock Performer RPM intake and get some 4.10 gears. For very little bucks he'd have a blistering fast ride. He asked about swapping in a 440. When I said he'd have to change the crossmember and the transmission as well as buying and building a 440, which would be much more expensive than a used 360, he called me a "Naysayer". Ok. Don't do a cheap, easy, virtually "bolt-in" swap. Attempt one way beyond your ability and pocketbook, and then be disappointed or end up selling the half-finished car for a loss, but whatever you do, don't take a pros advice. Mastermind  

The Path of Most Resistance......

Motivational speakers and Football coaches often talk about "The Path of Least Resistance". In other words, take the easy way instead of the hard way.  Or the other famous adage- K.I.S.S.- "Keep it simple,stupid."  I hate to be such a miserable, cynical bastard all the time, but the public pushes me to it. Gearheads are the worst offenders. Instead of going the easy route to big power and performance, these people decide to take the route that's the hardest and most expensive.  Here's a couple of prime examples. Moron # 1 Had a 1979 Firebird Formula with a 403 Olds engine. He wanted to run low 12s and still keep it drivable.  He asked my advice. I gave him two options. # 1. I said he should look for some '68-72 Olds 350 heads and have them re-done, and use Harland Sharp or Crane or Comp Cams or whatever Roller rockers to make the valvetrain adjustable like a small-block Chevy. I also advised him, to have the bolt holes re-tapped. '75 and later Olds engines use 1/2 inch bolts on the heads and '74 and earlier use 7/16. Anyhow, the older heads-which have 70cc instead of 83cc combustion chambers would instantly bump compression fron 7.9:1 to about 9.2:1. Edelbrock claims 397 hp and 400 lbs ft. of torque with their "Performer RPM" Intake and cam package for a 350 Olds. On a 403, the 53 extra cubes would put you well over 400 hp and 400 lbs of torque. Magazine writers spout numbers flippantly but 400 honest hp will turn any street car into a rocket. With an axle ratio between 3.23 and 3.73, and some 275/60R15 Drag radials mounted on his 8 inch "Snowflake" wheels- He could easily break into the 12s. The second option I gave him was to return it to "Real" Pontiac power. 400 Pontiac blocks are plentiful, and all BOP engines share the same bellhousing bolt-pattern, so he wouldn't have to change the tranny. For $1600 you can buy a stroker kit that includes crank, rod, pistons, custom balancing, and rings and bearings that turns a 400 into a 455. For $1,800 you can buy Edelbrock heads patterned after the famous Ram Air IV factory heads. For less than 5 grand you can build a 455 Pontiac with 473 hp and 529 lbs of tire-boiling torque. Depending on traction, this will put you solidly in the tlw 12s or the high 11s. I mean, honestly-who needs to go faster than that in a street car?  After I offered this advice he asked me if he should put an LS motor or a big block Chevy in it. Like Ron White says- "You can't fix Stupid".  I replied that # 1-using either an LS motor or a Rat-he'd have to buy a new transmission. His perfectly good BOP TH350 would not bolt up to the Chevy engines. So there's an extra $1,000 minimum. If he uses a Chevy bolt-patern TH350. If he wants to get cute and use a 700R4 or 4L80E-now he's changing crossmembers,rear trans mounts, driveshaft yokes, shortening and re-balancing the driveshaft, and adding electric controls which can get up into the 3 or 4 thousand dollar range. People talk shit about Camaros and Firebirds being interchangeable. For suspension parts, and brake rotors yes. But if your swapping a BOP engine for a Chevy-besides the tranny being different, the motor mounts are different, the starter is different, the alternator, water pump, fuel pump, power steering pump, A/C compressor and all the brackets are different. All the tin is different-the valve covers, oil pan, timing cover, etc,. The throttle linkage,the kickdown linkage, the vacuum lines, are all different and that's if your using an "Old-school" carburated small or big-block Chevy. If your swapping in an LS motor-you need to change the gas tank and fuel pump,and wire up all the electronics, which gets even ore expensive and time-consumeing. After I explained all this-he said I was arrogant and "Pissing" on his dream. When I said I had done about 100 engine swaps in my career and that even supposedly simple ones-i.e GM to GM or Ford to Ford-could be a pain in the ass-and cost way more and take more time, money and grief than anticiapated-he called me a "No it-All" with several expletives. Good luck, hot shot, especially since you didn't even know that your "6.6 Litre" engine was an Olds instead of a Pontiac. Moron # 2 had a 1969 Mustang with a 390 that he thought was a dog. It was a coupe and had a two-barrel carb, 2.80:1 gears, and nearly 200,000 miles. I suggested he rebuild his short-block and use the "Performer RPM" package that Edelbrock offers- heads, cam, intake, and carb. Edelbrock claims 417 hp and 434 lbs of torque with this package on a 390. LIke I said- 400 solid hp will make any car a rocket. Low 13s or very high 12 second et's would allow your vintage Mustang to smite new Camaros and Mustangs as well as BMW M3s and Lexus ISF's, while still being mostly original and "Correct". No he wants to put a 460 in it. When I replied that unless he spent 15 grand for a 600 hp 514 SVO stroker-that a 460 wouldn't run any better or as good as the hotted up 390, he accused me of being a "Just as it left the factory" type." With Edelbrock aluminum heads? Huh?  When I said that the "FE" and 385 series were ompletely different-the bellhousing bolt-pattern was different so you'd have to change the tranny-and that none of the tin or brackets would interchange, as well as the p/s pump, the water pump, the fuel pump,the alternator brakcets, the starter, the oil pan, etc, were all different-and that swapping Ford engines and trannys was a lot harder than GM or Mopar swaps because everything was different from model to model-I.E a 460 out of a Thunderbird will have totally different stuff than a 460 out of a Torino or an F250  unlike a Chevy-where you can take a 350 out of a '71 Impala and put it in a '79 Camaro and not even change the belts.  You guys-you know who you are-who have never worked as a professional mechanic- are the worst-we can't tell you anything because you already know everything. Good luck with those engine swaps without talking to someone who's done them. If you have enough money and time you can make anything work, but that doesn't mean it's right. People talk about possibilities-we know manned space flight is possible-but it isn't easy or cost-effective is it?  " Nuff said. Mastermind          

Why people hate car salesmen....

I said a few weeks ago that I was maybe interested in a new Challenger. The shop I work at services Enterprise Rent A Car so I've driven a lot of 6-cylinder Chargers and Chrysler 300s, which are nice. I know the Challenger is the same platform, but I'd never driven one, so I went to my local Dodge dealer to drive one. I test-drove one, and it was nice, and I liked it. The salesman asked if I wanted to crunch numbers. Having sold cars for 7 years in the '80's I knew the game, but I figured what the hell, let's see if I can afford it. Then Playhouse 90 starts. I know I have iffy credit after my divorce and home foreclosure. If you can't finance me, just say so. Tell me I'm a credit criminal to my face and I'll leave. No, they send in the "Closer" who tells me I can't buy the Alpine white 2013 Challenger I test drove, but I can buy a silver 2012 Charger with 30,000 miles on it for $700 a month and 26 percent interest, which means I'd be paying $50,000 for this car that has a wholesale Blue Book of $20,900. When I said thanks, but no thanks, he acted appalled. "I thought you wanted a new car, I thought you wanted to rebuild your credit." "Not by paying 50 grand for a car that's going to be worth ten when it's paid off." I replied. Obviously I walked. Since then the salesman and the sales manager have called me every day for 21 days and left messages on my cell phone. I even talked to the salesman once or twice. He said they could finance me at 15 percent interest and $500 a month for 72 months on the Challenger I liked. When I said I wasn't keen on paying $42,500 for a car that had an MSRP of $22,995, and that I really couldn't afford $500 a month for six years and to stop calling me, that didn't help. I still get called every day, because I test-drove a car 4 weeks ago. If I hit MegaBucks tomorrow I'd go buy an SRT8 Challenger from the Dodge Dealer 20 miles away and then drive it over there and show it to them and tell them I didn't buy from them because they irritated me and stalked me. What part of no do you not understand, the n or the o?  I'm mortally offended and I've had that job, and pressure from sales managers about working customers that walked, but for Christ's sake, give up. Normal people must be out of their mind. I looked at a car and this motherfucker is going to hound me for two months?  If I ever decide to buy a Dodge vehicle, it won't be there, I'll go out of town just for spite. Mastermind.  

"Drive Angry" is great mindless fun....

Saw "Drive Angry" on one of the cable channels the other night. It kind of came and went in theaters, but I'm shocked that it wasn't a huge hit. It had great action, and over-the-top-humor. Nicholas Cage has escaped from hell to save his granddaughter from the Satanic cult that killed his daughter-the child's mother. He has the Devil's Bounty Hunter on his tail trying to bring him back. Lot's of car-chase action featuring musclecars. Early on Cage has a '63 Riviera. Later he commandeers a '69 Charger and it's driver-the smokin' hot Amber Heard. The bad guys can't kill Cage-because he's already dead. There's a hilarious scene where Cage gets in a gunfight with the cultists in a motel, while screwing a hooker. He continues screwing the girl, while shooting multiple bad guys. She has her eyes closed and thinks she's having a great orgasm while the room is exploding around her. After they wreck the Charger, Cage and Amber hook up with his old buddy David Morse who gives him a '72 SS454 Chevelle to go after the bad guys. The Devil's Bounty Hunter agrees to help Cage and Amber kill everyone at the Cult Compound, if Cage will go back to hell willingly after. A Blaze-of-Glory finish that Quentin Tarantino would be proud of follows, and Amber agrees to raise the baby for Cage, and him and the Bounty Hunter go back to hell in a badass '57 Chevy. I thought it was better than the "Grindhouse" movies and the "Machete" movies. Yeah it was mindless, but it was funny and entertaining. What more do you want from an action flick?  Mastermind.