The 442 turns 50...

In 1964 Pontiac turned the automotive world on it's ear. When they dropped the "Big Car" 389 onto the compact Tempest and created the GTO, the musclecar era was launched. Olds quickly countered with the 442 Package which stood for 4 barrel carb, 4-speed transmission, dual exhaust. The 330 V8 Cutlasss 442 was a nicely balanced package-but just like a 327 Malibu-couldn't really compete with a 389 GTO. The minions at Chevrolet waited for an official ruling from GM-that's why the SS396 Chevelle wasn't introduced until 1966. The renegades at Oldsmobile figured- screw 'em-Pontiac broke the rules-DeLorean griping about Olds offereing the 330 as a step-down engine in the 88, and saying the GTO was an "Option" skirting te small car / small engine big car / big engine rule. In 1965 they put their big 400 inch V8 in the Cutlass 442 making it competitive with the GTO. Oddly-Maybe Olds didn't advertise like Pontiac did-I don't know-Pontiac sold 75,000 GTOs and Olds only sold 25,000 442s. In 1966 Olds even offered a 3-2bbl version just like Pontiac did. However- again-they are quite rare. In 1967 Disc brakes were offered, the Hurst Dual / Gate shifter, and many others. In 1968 all the GM "A" bodies were redesigned. The 442 had a 400 V8, but the Hurst / Olds-concieved by George Hurst had a special silver and black paint job and flouting GM's rule that intermediates couldn't have engines larger than 400 cubes-had the fire-breathing 455 from the Toronado. Only 515 were built, but the performance image was there. Same for 1969 except the H / O was white and Gold. 1970 was the pinnacle year for the 442. The "W30" 455 V8 had an aluminum intake, special heads, a 328 degree cam and was so hot it was only available with a 4-speed and 3.90 or 4.33:1 gears, and no power brakes-because it didn't have enough vacuum at idle to operate power brakes or an automatic transmission!! It was GROSSLY under-rated at 370 hp, and could easily compete with the 450 hp LS6 Chevelle. 1971 brought lowered compression ratios across the board. 1972 had the H /O as the Indy pace car again, but only 629 were built. Sadly-like Pontiac with the GTO, the 442 reverted to option staus on the Cutlass. Thus it was possible to have a mean-looking machine that wheezed out 160 hp with a 350  with a 2bbl!!!  Olds just gave up on performance and concentrated on luxury. The "W30" package-with a few changes-could have lasted until 1979 just like the 400 Pontiacs in the Trans-Am. But they gave up. The 455 was optional in the Cutlass until 1976-but by then it wheezed out 190 hp, and there was no manual transmission option, and the stiffest axle ratio was a 2.56:1!!  Gee, why was Pontiac selling T/A's with 400s and 455s with 4-speeds and 3.23:1 or 3.42:1 gears that ran???  In the '70's and '80's Olds put the legendary 442 Moniker on a bunch of slugs. The worst was 1985-87. You got a 2 door Cutlass with a tape stripe appearance package, "Monte Carlo SS" suspension, and a 307 inch Olds V8 that wheezed out 140 hp and could only be backed by a 4-speed automatic. While Buick was making Grand Nationals on the same platform that ran low 14s or high 13s off the showroom floor!!!  Why didn't Olds lobby for a version of that??  Because they didn't care. The Cutlass was the best-selling American car for many yers in the '70's and '80's. They just didn't give a shit. The Rental-car fleet money was rolling in, and the baby boomers were aging and not caring about muscle-so Olds didn't. But Like Danny DeVito said in "Other Peoples Money" "Get an Increasing Share of a Shrinking Market" "Down the Tubes."  That's why theres no mor Oldsmobile and there's still a Chevrolet and Buick. They changed with the times. Olds didn't. And that's sad-because while it lasted- a 442 was a cool alternative to an SS Chevelle or a GTO.  Mastermind    

The GTO turns 50.....

In late 1963 GM handed down it's famous ban on racing. This was going to hurt sales immensely-especially at Pontiac-who had climbed from sixth to third in total US car sales mainly because of their high-performance image. That's where the term "Win on Sunday, Sell on Monday." came from. Smokey Yunick and Fireball Roberts were unstoppable in NASCAR in their fire-breathing Pontiacs. Roberts won 22 races in 1961-62 a feat unequalled until Richard Petty won 27 in 1970. Mickey Thompson and Hayden Proffit dominated stock class drag racing in their 421 Catalina. Up until then performance cars were primarily full-size cars. At that time-GM also had a rule-big cars got big engines, small cars got small engines. No intermediate could have a standard engine over 330 cubic inches. Oldsmobile dropped the 330 V8 into the 88 sedan and dropped the price-a direct assault on the Pontiac Catalina. This angered DeLorean, who was working with Jim Wangers and Pete Estes to develop a perfromance street car since racing wasn't allowed. They dropped the 389 V8 out of the big cars into the compact Tempest and called it the GTO. DeLorean had hoped to sell 10,000 units; it was a huge hit-even though it was a mid-year option they sold 32,450. The other GM divisions howled to the high heavens and demanded the car be killed. Oldsmobile quickly countered with the Cutlass 442 performance package-but with only 330 cubes under the hood, all it would see of a GTO would be the taillights. DeLorean said-and rightly so-the rule was no intermediate could have a STANDARD engine over 330 cubes. The GTO package was an extra-cost OPTION. And, the GM brass never argued with sales success so the car was here to stay. In 1965 they changed the bodystyle a little and Both engines got more hp the 4bbl 389 was bumped from 325 hp to 335, and the Tri-Power version got bumped from 348 hp to 360. Sales more than doubled-75,000 units were sold. The Goats were king of the street. A 406 Ford Galaxie or a 409 Chevy Impala or a 413 Plymouth Belvedere-all full-size cars would get their lunch eaten by a GTO. The 389 had almost as much power-but the Tempest was several hundred pounds lighter. A 327 Chevelle or a 289 Mustang had little chance in a drag race with a GTO. Olsmobile quickly followed Pontiac's lead and dropped their 400 inch V8 into the 442-which made them competitive but they only sold 1/3 of the units-25,000. In 1966 the freight train rolled on. Sales hit 96,000 units, an all-time high. Chevrolet finally countered with the SS396 Chevelle-and with a dealer network twice the size of Pontiac's-could only sell 77,000 units. 1967 brought some good changes. The body was still basically the same as the record-setting '66 except for the taillights. Front disc brakes became an option for the first time, and for automatic buyers the crappy two-speed ST300 ( read Powerglide ) was replaced by the excellent 3-speed TH400 and could be had with a Hurst Dual / Gate shifter. Engine size was increased to 400 cubic inches, and the heads were completely re-designed to breathe much better. However the 3-2bbl Tri-Power option-which had been a Pontiac Performance staple since 1959 was dropped. GM had said they wanted no more multi-carb options. Zora-Arkus Duntov and Chevrolet defied the order-the 427 Corvette had a 3-2bbl option until 1969-but everyone else toed the line. The buff magazines cried bloody murder. You could order all the parts through dealership parts departments and the '65-66 setup would bolt up to the new engines, and some dealers like Royal Pontiac would even install them if you paid extra. In reality-the 400 4bbl was actually a BETTER perfomer than the 389 Tri-Powers. sales dropped a little-but they still sold 81,000 units. By 1968 the musclecar movement was in full swing. The body was completely re-designed and Motor Trend named it the "Car of the Year".  Chrysler introduced the Road Runner-basically a taxicab stripped down Satellite with a hopped up 383 V8 as standard equipment and the 440 and the 426 Hemi optional. Dodge had the Super Bee-basically the same package on the Coronet. Ford stuffed the 390 V8 into the Mustang, and Chevrolet had introduced the Camaro in 1967 and you could get a 396 in it. Pontiac of course got the Firebird-their version of the Camaro and you could get a 400 in a Firebird. With all this competition they still sold 87,000 units. 1969 brought the introduction of the Ram Air III and Ram Air IV engines and the "Judge" package. However-the other car companies were busy too. Ford stuffed the Police Interceptor 428 into the new Mustang Mach 1, and Chrysler introduced the legendary 440 "Six-Pack" in the Road Runner and the Super Bee. Some dealers-like Nickey Chevrolet, and Don Yenko were stuffing L72 Corvette 427s into Camaros and Chevelles. Still sales were strong-72,225 units. In 1970 GM lifted their stupid rule that intermediates could only have 400 cubic inch engines. Chevrolet immediately stuffed a 454 in the Chevelle-the LS6 had a rip-snorting 450 horses, and that was probably under-rated. Oldsmobile put a 455 into the 442-the "W30" package had an aluminum intake,a 328 degree cam and was so hot it could only be ordered with a 4-speed and no power brakes-it didn't have enough vacuum at idle to operate them! It was grossly under-rated at 370 hp. Buick even got into the fray with the GS455 Skylark, and the Fire-breathing GSX. Chrysler introduced the 'Cuda and Challenger-basically Camaro / Firebird fighters-and they could be had with any engine including the 426 Hemi and the 440 Six-Pack. Strangely, probably because DeLorean had left-Pontiac didn't use the 455. You could get a 455 in a GTO-but it was a generic, "Station Wagon" engine. The high-performance engines were still the RAIII and RAIV 400s. If Pontiac had put the RAIV heads, intake and cam on the 455 block-they could have been competitive with these other monsters. But they didn't, and for the first time there were a lot of cars that could put a GTO on the trailer-something that just didn't happen in the first five years. And Insurance companies were cracking down on performance cars-often the insurance premiums were as much as the car payments!!  Sales dropped way off-40,149 units were sold-almost half of 1969's production. In 1971 due to ever tightening emissions standards and invention of low-lead gasoline-compression ratios were lowered across the board by all GM divisions. Pontiac did build a performance 455-the 455 HO used the heads and aluminum intake from the RAIV, with the milder "068" cam. It was under-rated at 335 hp and 480 lbs of torque. Didn't help-sales dropped to 10,000 units, a 1/4 of 1970's, which was half of 1969's. In 1972 the GTO was no longer a separate model-for the first time since 1964 it reverted to being an option on the LeMans. The 455HO was still available, but sales dropped to a meager 5,807 units. A United Auto Workers strike in 1972 probably didn't help either. The GM "A" bodies were all redesigned for 1973-the hated "Collonade" hardtops. With 5-mph bumpers-they were just plain ugly. 4,806 units were sold-the lowest ever. It was clear to everyone that the Trans-Am was now the flagship. In 1974 the engineers decided to return to it's roots-a big engine in a small car. The GTO was made an option on the "X" body-( read Nova ) platform. Since Pontiac engines are externally identical from a 326 to a 455-and the 350 was an option in the Ventura-the engineers wanted to put a 400 in the Ventura GTO. Now that would have been a rocket!!  ( I know, because I stuffed the 400 out of my wrecked '77 T/A into a '71 Ventura and it was quite a sleeper ). A Ventura weighed 3,200 lbs-about 600 lbs less than a Firebird. A 400 Ventura / GTO would have blown the doors off even an SD-455 Trans-Am-and that couldn't happen-the T/A was the cash cow. So the GTO got a 350 V8 that wheezed out 200hp. The buff magazines cried bloody murder. You could still get a 400 with a 4-speed or a 455 with a TH400 in the LeMans and the Grand Am-which were more GTO-like than the gussied up Ventura. So the car that started it all was put to rest. T/A sales soared in the late '70s, and remained the flagship until GM killed the F-bodies at the end of 2002. In 2004 GM put the GTO name on the Australian Holden Monaro. It had the 350 hp 5.7 liter LS1 'Vette motor and a great suspension. In 2005 they upped the ante with the 400hp LS2 'Vette motor. They didn't sell. The problem was the styling. It looked like a Grand Am with fat tires. Car and Driver called it the "Best Car Nobody's Buying". They hit it right on the head-"It runs like a Corvette, handles like a BMW, and looks like a rental car."  If Pontiac had done what Ford did with the Mustang and Dodge did with the Challenger-go retro and make it look like a '60's or '70's model-they's have had people lined up around the block-Ford can't build enough Mustangs fast enough, and the Challenger is selling like hot cakes. A sad end to a great idea. But if you want a GTO-you'll have to find a '64-72 model.  Mastermind            

"Subjective" is Bullshit....We need to be Objective.....

I'm sorry to deride magazine writers because I sometimes write for magazines-but I just have to vent this. We have to stop the Calvin ( Of "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip fame peeing on a Ford or Chevy emblem ) pissing shit. I love how magazine writers can rank one car ahead of another because they personally like it better-even though the numbers show otherwise. Here's a couple examples. I work in a Subaru dealership so this one really pisses me off. Car and Driver had a "Sport Sedan" showdown comparing the base model WRX ( not the STI ) against the VW Jetta Hot rod, the Mazda Speed 3, the Honda Civic SI,and the Ford Focus ST. The WRX was the fastest 0-60, the fastest in the 1/4 mile,had the highest top speed,the shortest stopping distance from 70 mph, the fastest lap time around Willow Springs Raceway,and the highest "G" rating on the skidpad. Basically it was #1 in every performance category, and except for the Honda, had the lowest price!!!. Yet the writers rated it #2 behind the Volkswagen!!!  Huh?  How does that work? What math are they doing?  This is not an isolated example. A couple years ago Motor Trend compared a Mustang GT against a BMW M3. They even titled the article "America's M3". The Mustang had 412 hp, the BMW 414. The Mustang was equal or better in every performance category-0-60, 1/4 mile, 70-0 braking, lap time around the track etc-and the Mustang cost $29,000 versus the M3's $64,000 price tag nd they still rated the BMW #1.  Excuse me? The Mustang was equal or better in every performance category and was half the price, and you still rate the Bimmer #1??  How does that work?  I remember a "Crate Motor Shootout" that Hot Rod did back in the '90's same thing. The Chevy was a '69 Camaro with a ZZ3 350 crate engine and 4 speed, the Ford was a '92 Mustang with a 345 hp SVO 302 and a 5-speed, and the Mopar was a '73 Duster with a 360 MP Performance crate engine with a Torqueflite. Even though it was an automatic and the other two were sticks, and they all had basically the same hp rating-The Chevy and Ford were both rated at 345 hp and the Mopar was rated at 360-when the Duster blew their doors off by by a wide margin-more than half a second-which in a drag race-is about 5 car lengths-the editors said that the Mopar had a "rough idle" and only had 10 inches of vacuum at idle!!  Excuse me?  Is your Magazine not called "Hot Rod?"  We weren't comparing a Toyota Camry and a Honda Accord and a Ford Taurus in a "Family Sedan Showdown".  I fail to see how "Idle Quality" factors into a "Hot Rod Crate Motor Shootout". But of course-even though it was the slowest-they said they liked the Chevy best. Shocker!!!  Anyhow-numbers don't lie-we need to remember that and grade accordingly in "Fair" comparisons. Mastermind      

For major bucks it better be perfect....Part2...

Like Dennis Miller used to say-"Sorry to get off on a rant here" but I can't help it. I can't believe the prices some people are asking for piece of shit musclecars. I guess some people are paying it, because that's the market. But I see total crap priced the same as diamonds. Here's a good example-I was searching for GTO's on the 'net. I found a numbers matching, original, 69,000 mile Ram Air IV GTO with the special "OW" TH400 and 4.33:1 Posi rear for $45,000. That's a screaming deal. On the same website some idiot wanted $39,000 for a base-model 1968 GTO that's been "in storage" but hadn't been started or driven since 1991!!! How do you know then engine isn't locked up?  Or the Tranny toast? Or the wiring harness chewed to death by rodents in 23 years of storage??!!  And the owner want's 40 freaking grand for this piece of crap??!!!  When I can buy a running, low-mileage, documented RAIV for 5K more???!!!  Here's another one-more Pontiacs-sorry I love them-but it still drives the point home. These two were both pristine-but the price difference was staggering. A 1978 400, 4-speed, WS6 T/A with 44,000 original miles for $19,900!!!  Or a 1976 400, 4-speed T/A with 36,000 miles for $39,995!!  Hmmm? Which line would I be in?  I guess it comes down to "Buyer Beware". And buyer have common sense. At the last Hot August Nights Auction here in Reno I saw the stupidest thing ever. A "Clone" 1970 Challenger T/A sold for $32,000. The seller admitted it wasn't numbers-matching, that it was a gussied-up 318 model with a 360 crate motor and the "Six-Pak" induction setup. Some moron paid 32 grand for it. About an hour later, at the same auction-a "Real" numbers-matching-albeit a tad rougher-but still in really good shape for a 44 year old car-Challenger T/A went through for 24K.  Hello???!!! Someone paid 8 grand MORE for a FAKE than you could buy the real deal for??  When did 2+2 equal 3?  In Hemmings motor news in the Ford section I saw a 1969 Shelby GT350 Mustang for sale for $75,000. In the same issue-and they had pictures-and it was hard to tell which one was nicer-I saw another one for $44,000!!!  Neither amount is not chump change-but the red one didn't look 30 grand nicer than the blue one!!!!  All I can say is take Smokey Robinson's advice- "My Mama Told Me, You Better Shop Around".  Mastermind          

For major bucks it better be perfect......

I'm amazed at the musclecars that people are asking insane prices for-and the cars are screwed up. RK motors in North Carolina sells a lot of classic cars. They were advertising a 1970 Hemi Charger for $79,000. It wasn't a "Real" Hemi car-then the price would have been 150K. This was a 318 model that someone put a Mopar Performance Crate Hemi in, and a 4-speed and a Dana 60 rear end. But it had 4-wheel drum brakes!!!  Yeah, I want a 4,000 lb car with 465 hp and brakes that fade after one hard stop!!!  Not!! I mean the builder couldn't spend another 800 bucks putting front disc brakes on it?  Like Ditka says-"Come on,Man!!".  They had a 1968 SS396 Chevelle for sale for $49,995. It had no power steering. Anyone ever try to park a car or truck with a big-block Chevy in it and manual steering? Not a pleasant experience. I don't care if it's numbers-matching and "Came from the factory" that way. For 50 grand, it should have power steering and be decent to drive. And again-adding a power box, pump and hoses would have cost what-a grand? And would the value of the car really be "Compromised" by having power steering???  Trans-Am Specialties was trying to sell a 1973 Firebird Formula 455 that was supposedly a numbers matching car, for $38,000. They showed a picture of the dash and the gas guage clearly said "Unleaded Fuel Only". Except-Catalytic Converters and unleaded gas didn't debut until 1975!!  What-you couldn't spend 100 bucks at Year One or NPD and get a correct guage? You had to get one out of a junkyard from a '75-81 model??!!!  And hope no one notices???  For damn near 40 grand it better be perfect!!  They wanted 40 grand for a 455 / 4-speed '73 T/A-that had a big rip in the driver's seat!!!  For god sakes-you can't spend 100 bucks at an upholstery shop getting it patched, or a couple hundred with Legendary for a replacement cover??!!!  If these cars were "fixer uppers" that they wanted 5 or 10 grand for I'd understand, but if I'm going to lay out 40 or 50 grand for a car it better be right. Would you pay 40 grand for a BMW with ripped seats??  Unbelievable. Mastermind        

Some "Muscle Trucks" that might be cool....

If you want to go fast, but occasionally need to haul or tow stuff, there's a lot of cool trucks that make great muscle machines. Here's some of my favorites that can be bought reasonably. #1. 1967-79 Chevy / GMC 2wd 1/2 ton. Small-block versions can be made to run, but the ones to look for are 396 models- ( '67-72 ) and 454 models ( '73-79 ). There is a ton of suspension and brake upgrades, and nothing makes more power for less money than a big-block Chevy. # 2. 1972-78 Dodge 2wd 1/2 ton. The ones to look for are the 400 snd 440 versions. Not as much speed equipment available as the Chevys, but a 440 V8 in a 3900 lb machine is a potent ride whether it's a '70 Road Runner or a '78 Stepside. The '78-79 Li'l Red Express models have a "Cult" following, but their pricier and only have a 360 under the hood. # 3. 1967-79 Ford F100 / F150. The ones to look for are the 390 models ( '67-72 ) and 460 models ( '73-79 ). # 4. 1989-93 Chevy SS454. These had a sinister black paint job,fat tires on chrome wheels and a 454 backed by a TH400 or a 700R4 and 3.73:1 or 4.10:1 gears. Dynamite if you can find one. # 5. 1992-95 Ford Lightning. These had a special lowered suspension, a hotted up 351W and cool monochromatic paint. These have a ton of aftermarket equipment available. # 6. 1998-2003 Dodge Dakota R/T. Mother Mopar stuffed a 360 V8 in the lightweight Dakota pickup, gave it a lowered suspension, fat 17" tires and wheels and a 3.92:1 posi rear. 0-60 in six seconds flat and the 1/4 in the high 14s made these way cool. # 7. 1997-2003 Ford Lightning / Harley Davidson F150. These had cool graphics, special seats, lowered suspesnions and 18" or 20" wheels and a snarling 380 hp Supercharged 5.4 liter V8. Jules' Wallet that can haul plywood. Any of these are a great way to go fast and have some utility. Mastermind

Mustangs in movies......

After the post about Trans-Ams in movies I had quite a few people ask about Mustangs in the movies. Mustangs are fairly prevalent as they've always been a popular car. Here's some of the Instances I remember. # 1. Bullitt. Obvisusly the most famous one-The Highland Green '68 390 Fastback with Torq-Thrust mags has been copied for more than 40 years, and they still look cool.  # 2. "Diamonds Are Forever" James Bond Flick with a convoluted plot and two homosexual asassins after Bond. The only redeeming qualities are a young Jill St. John spends a lot of time barefoot in a bikini, and her and Sean Connery lead the bad guys on a decent chase through the streets of Las Vegas in a red '71 Mach 1. Otherwise its one of worst Bond Films. # 3. "The Mechanic". Charles Bronson should have got an Oscar for his portrayal of a lonely hitman who suffered from insomnia and migraine headaches, who takes the reckless son of one his victims under his wing. Great action, and his protege-a young Jan-Michael Vincent-drives a red '72 Mach 1. # 4. "Gone in 60 Seconds". To quote Tracie Thoms in "Death Proof"-"The original H.B. Halicki classic, not that Nic Cage / Angelina Jolie bullshit"  40 full minutes of automotive mayhem in a Yellow '73 Mach 1 nicknamed "Eleanor". # 5. "Charlie's Angel's" Farrah Fawcett and later Cheryl Ladd drove the white Mustang II fastback with blue stripes. Jaclyn Smith drove an orange Mustang coupe, and poor Kate Jackson got stuck with a Pinto. Come on Ford, even David Doyle ( "Bosley" ) got a T-Bird. Let's be honest no one gave a shit about the cars-guys from 14 to 40 tuned in droves to see Farrah, Jaclyn or Cheryl barefoot in bikinis, or occasionally chloroformed and tied up. Not only did she get screwed driving a Pinto-poor Kate-the "smart" one always had to stay dressed and help Bosley save the others when they were in peril. Hey-we didn't have internet porn back then, so it lasted 5 seasons.  # 6. "Basic Insticnct" All everyone remembers is Sharon Stone getting naked a lot. I remember the scene where Micheal Douglas rips Jeanne Tripplehorn's clothes off and bends her over the couch as hotter than any scene with Sharon. I also remember him bounding up hills in a '91 "5.0" Convertible after "Roxy" tries to kill him with the black Lotus Esprit. # 7. "The Getaway" 1994 version. Sorry guys-a then 41 year old Kim Basinger, while still hot in a Milf / Cougar way-compared to the 24 year old Ali MacGraw in the original? No contest-Ali all the way. In fact Steve McQueen left his wife for her, and she left producer Robert Towne for Steve, so torrid was the affair they had while filming the 1972 original. I'm not just picking on Kim-Alec Baldwin dreams he's as cool as Steve McQueen, and Michael Madsen-while good in Reservoir Dogs-can't touch Al Lettieri as the evil, sexually deviant gunfighter Rudy. And Roger Donaldson vs Sam Peckinpah for director? To plagairize MC Hammer- "Can't touch this."  However Baldwin did drive a '93 "5.0" Convertible, and James Woods was way more evil than Ben Johnson, as Jack Benyon-but that couldn't save it. The original is still way better. # 8 "Hannibal". This sequel to "Silence of the Lambs" brought back Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter, but had Julianne Moore as Clarice Starling. I think Julianne Moore is sexy-and if you read the books, is way closer to Author Thomas Harris's vision of Starling than dykey Jodie Foster. Anyhow- she drove an '88 Roush Mustang in the book and the movie, but sadly no car chase action. #9 "Marked for Death" This Steven Seagal stinker has him driving a sinister black '73 Mach 1, that gets wrecked, and then the big chase is between a Dodge Ramcharger and a BMW 633CSI. Yeah, right-a 318 Ramcharger could stay with a 633CSI for about half a block. Gag. I probably missed some, so feel free to chime in. Mastermind

You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind...Or "So many A#$%oles, so few bullets"....

Here's an annoying phenomenon that I'm sure everyone who drives a musclecar has experienced. Everyone wants to race you or keep you from passing them. And I don't mean just other musclecars or sports cars, I mean EVERYONE. It's maddening because yes, when I was driving my Hurst / Olds, or my Trans-Am, or my 400 Powered Ventura, or my brother's GTO, etc I would gladly risk a big speeding ticket to put a "5.0" Mustang driver or Dodge Charger driver in their place. Ditto for those arrogant 'Vette drivers, and Nissan 350Z owners, Mazda RX-7 owners and especially 3 and 5 series BMW owners. I'd do it because it was fun, and it was fun because those people are used to winning 99% of the "Stoplight Gran Prix's" they initiate,and I got great joy seeing their eyes widen and jaws drop as I passed them. I have no problem with these people, because their cars are actually fast, and like me their just enjoying their car's performance whether they win or lose. The ones I hate are every thing else. Let me explain, and I'll even break them into groups. # 1. Import subcompact drivers. I'm not talking about Subaru WRX's, ( Which again-are actually freaking fast ). And spare me the "Fast&Furious" rap about 11 second Honda Civics and Nissan Sentras. I have never in my life run across one. But I have run across thousands of VW Jettas, Honda Civics, Nissan Sentras,and Toyota Corrolas with lowered suspensions, fat tires, and exhaust systems that sounds like a broken chainsaw. These people make New York Cab drivers look like safety instructors. They blast from light to light at full-throttle, and cut traffic mercilessly pissing everyone off in their wake. Except their cars aren't fast. One punk with a Honda Civic that worked at the Autozone store I worked at was always challenging my Hurst / Olds to a race. Until the night I blew his doors off in a drag race from a light in my wife's 318 Jeep Cherokee!!!  He was crushed when he reverently said "I had no Ideas those Jeeps were that fast." and I responded-"Sorry to burst your bubble Ringo-the Jeep isn't that fast-your econobox is slow." Another little asshole in my neighborhood drove a VW Corrado with a supercharged V6. Every day for like a month he'd have to blow by my H/O either on a city street or on the freeway and blow the horn and cut me off as he did it. Finally one day I pulled up next to him at a light that turned left and went onto the freeway. Once I stopped smoking my tires and got straight on the on-ramp I put the hammer down. 455 cubes responded and as I pulled even with him the TH400 laid about 30 feet of rubber into 2nd gear and I gave him the "finger" as I pulled away. I kept my foot in it until 5,700 rpm in high gear which with the 3.23 gears was something like 138 mph. Needless to say I smoked him by about 10 car lengths. Funny, every time I saw him after that he would drive like a little old lady or act like he didn't see me and turn right. Anyhow these little shits-( Their always males 18-25 years old ) are like flies that land on your face-they won't stop until you squash them. # 2. Penis Compensator Pickup and SUV drivers. These macho assholes are every bit as annoying as the little boys in the wanna-be rice rockets. No, their more annoying because the little boys will just drive away chagrined. Once in a while you'll have to get out and kick one of these guys asses after they "road rage" you and follow you where your going. These traffic bullies don't know physics. Their actually shocked when their 6,000 lb vehicle with 35" inch tires get's it's doors blown off by something with "less" power. The best one was the guy with the crew-cab SRT-10 Dodge Pickup. If you don't know Chrysler stuffed the 500 hp Viper motor into a few pickups a few years ago. He was utterly aghast when my brothers GTO showed him it's taillights. Hmm-you got 500 hp, but in a vehicle that weighs 5,700 lbs. My brother's GTO weighs 3731 lbs, and ( with the Edelbrock Performer RPM package-according to Edelbrock has 422 hp ). Guess what doofus-78 hp can't overcome an extra 2,000 lbs. My other personal favorite was the asshole with a monster F250 Ford Pickup that had a 460 with a tunnel-ram on it that both my 400 '72 Ventura and my buddys hopped up '83 Camaro sucked up and spit out in a 3-way drag race. "I've got ten grand in the motor of this thing!" he whined. Yeah but it weighs 6,400 lbs and has the aerodynamics of the Chrysler building!! Think that makes a difference.....# 3. Soccer moms in SUVs. V8 Cherokees,V8 Ford Explorers, V8 Toyota 4Runners, Turbo Subaru Foresters, Turbo Volvo XC90's, doesn't matter. Why I want to rape and kill these bitches and not in that order is while their going 70 on a city street where the speed limit is 35 to keep you from passing them or going over 100 on the freeway to keep you from getting over-they usually have two or three little kids strapped in child seats in the back seat!!!  If you blew a tire, or someone pulled in front of you at that speed, what's going to happen to your kids you dumb, miserable bitch??!!  # 4. German car owners. We all know BMW stands for "Break My Windows" right?  BMWs, Audis, Mercedes, VW's, they all drive like assholes and act like everyone else should get out of their way immediately, no matter what. Back in the '80's my cousin had a badass Camaro that had a vanity liscence plate that read 911 EATR. The hilarious thing was-once in a while we'd get in an impromptu drag race or game of cat and mouse on the freeway or a curvy road with a 911 driver, and win lose or draw, the 911 guys would usually laugh and gives us a thumbs up or ask us to pull over and shoot the breeze about cars or follow them to a sports bar for a beer. Typical gearheads. However, that plate mortally offended every other German car driver. He would be cut off, passed, blown the horn at and given the finger by every single asshole who drove a Mercedes, BMW, Audi, or VW. Their all dying off now, but I would go 10 miles out of my way to give the finger to a Mercedes or BMW driver with a "Holocaust Survivor" bumper sticker. You know what I'm talking about-if you accepted every challenge you get every day in your musclecar you'd lose your liscence in a month. But every once in a while, you have to smite one of these insects in biblical fashion because they so richly deserve it. Just had to vent that. Mastermind                    

Hey Hollywood.....I'm available as a consultant....And desperately needed!!!

Musclecars are often featured in movies and T.V. shows, but Hollywood incessantly screws up when referring to them. Maybe for someone who knows nothing about cars it's not a big deal but for us gear heads it's maddening. Here's a few glaring gaffes that I found just this week on cable tv. # 1. "The Butcher". This made for cable action flick stars Eric Roberts as an ex-boxer turned mob enforcer who has to defend himself against the cops and other gangsters when he's wrongly blamed for robbing and killing a rival mob boss. The story and the action are ok, and everyone wants to buy his 1969 Dodge Charger. Except it's a '73 model!!!!  Yet, everyone in the film, including Roberts, says it's a '69!!  And several people say it's a 4-speed, yet when he's driving it, you clearly see an automatic column shifter!!  Arrrrggghhhh!!!!  # 2. "Love Ranch" This flick stars Joe Pesci and Helen Mirren and it's thinly veiled as "not" the story of boxer Oscar Bonavena's murder at the Mustang Ranch brothel outside Reno. They say it's 1976 at the beginning of the film ( which is when it really happened ). What drove me up the wall was they had the boxer driving a 1979 Trans-Am!!  Why? For god's sake they couldn't find a '75 or '76 model?  # 3. "Cold Case". This episode was about the 1972 murder of a teenage boy. On his bedroom wall was poster of a barefoot Farrah Fawcett-Majors sitting on the hood of a white and blue Mustang II, and the famous wet-t-shirt poster of Jacqueline Bisset from "The Deep". Both of them are completely wrong. Here's why. The one with Farrah is obviously a promo shot for "Charlie's Angels". I know because I had the same poster when I was in high school. Except Ford didn't introduce the Mustang II until 1974, and "Charlie's Angels" premiered in September 1976!!!  The "Deep" poster with Bisset wearing only bikini panties, a wet-t-shirt which clung to her awesome rack and showed her large nipples, and a scuba mask was also a best seller. Except the movie and the poster were released in 1977!!!  So how did this kid have them in 1972???  Ugh.  #4 "Vegas". This only lasted one season, probably because it was such a major offender. It starred Dennis Quaid as real-life sherriff Ralph Lamb,Michael Chiklis as a Chicago Gangster who owns a casino and Carrie-Anne Moss as the District Attorney. However, the series was set in 1960. Yet Moss drove a '63 T-Bird, Chiklis drove a '62 Continental with the Suicide Doors, and Quaid drove a 1964 Dodge pickup!!!  # 5. "The Dark Half". This Stephen King thriller pissed me off as both a book and a movie. The Killer drove a 1966 Toronado which is a cool enough ride,but in both the book and the movie they refer to him spinning the rear wheels!! How, when Toronados are all FRONT-WHEEL DRIVE!!!  And in the book they talk about him having a Hurst-shifted 4-speed in it!!! Except all Toronados are automatics!!  They should have had him driving a '60's Pontiac Gran Prix-which is rear-wheel drive,had a lot of power with 389,400,421 or 428 cubes under the hood, and was available with a 4-speed stick. # 6. "White Lightning". This is one of my favorite action flicks and one of Burt Reynolds best. Except when he gets the car from the feds and they show him the engine-He says "Looks like a 429 with dual quads..."  Except you clearly see one Holley 4-barrel under a Weiand Lynx air cleaner. And in some scenes it's a 4-speed-they show the Hurst shifter and him shifting it. In others it's an automatic-you see him put it in park in one scene, and in another Jennifer Billingsley slams it into drive and takes off. Nit-picky, I know, but still.... # 7. "Smokey and the Bandit". Another Burt Reynolds classic with the same problem. In some scenes the T/A is a 4-speed, you see the clutch pedal and him shifting it. In others you see the automatic shifter next to the CB radio on the console. Rumor has it that Sally Field couldn't drive a stick, and that Burt and director Hal Needham just gave up trying to edit it, figuring no one would notice. Well we did. Why doesn't Hollywood hire someone who knows cars to help edit this stuff??  Mastermind