Bigger isn't always better....Especially in a Street Machine!

Had a conversation with a customer at the dealership that got me thinking. This guy had a new Cadillac Escalade ESV-that's the larger, longer wheelbase version based on the Suburban chassis. ( The "regular" Escalade is based on the Tahoe platform.) If you don't know-Escalades are full-time 4wd-unlike the Tahoe / Suburban their based on that can be put in 2wd for highway driving. They also have the 417 hp 6.2 liter V8 that's actually the base Corvette motor. ( Their rated at 430 hp in the 'Vette.) And this one had huge 20 inch chrome wheels and tires. He comes in all outraged and sneers at me-"This thing only gets 11 mpg!" I couldn't help myself. Without thinking, the sarcasm just spewed out of me. "Really?" I said. "A $65,000, 6,400 lb truck that's constantly in 4wd and has huge tires and a 400 hp engine gets lousy gas mileage?" "Say it isn't so!" "And doubtless, you drive like you have eggshells under the gas pedal." "What the hell does that mean?!" the guy roared. "Do the math." I replied. "I'm really not being rude or flippant here." "You have a vehicle that weighs more than three tons, with the aerodynamics of a bulldozer, that's constantly in 4wd and has a huge engine with 400+ hp." "And,-you've always got your foot in it." "You live in my neighborhood" " I've seen you leaving for work-squealing your tires, and blowing past people on the freeway at 80 or 90 mph." "Do you think your going to get 25 mpg in that situation?" "Go look at one on the lot." "The window sticker shows a $1,000+ "GAS GUZZLER TAX" and says they only get 13 mpg." "So your not going to do anything about it?" "Is the "check engine" light on?" "No." "Then their's nothing I can do." "I hate to keep harping on the same point, but I'm sorry your $65,000, three ton, full-time 4wd,400 hp SUV that you drive like a Firebird Trans-Am only gets 11 mpg." "There's nothing mechanically wrong with it." "If you drove like a little old lady, it might get 15 mpg, but's it's still going to be a gas hog." "What part of that don't you understand?" He left in a huff, and complained to Cadillac customer service. I loved their follow-up call. "You told a Mr. Jones that his Escalade getting 11 mpg is normal and that he drove too fast." "Ok." "Do me a favor" I asked the rep. "Pull up the EPA fuel economy ratings and the window sticker for a 417 hp Escalade ESV on your computer." "It shows an $1,100 gas guzzler tax and says they get 13 mpg, correct?" "Uh, yeah, that's correct." "And this guy lives down the street from me" "He drives like an idiot." "So a 6,400 lb vehicle with a 400 hp engine and a driver with a lead foot only gets 11 mpg." "What should I have done?" "Lied and said he should get 20 mpg?" "Offered him a tune-up he didn't need?" "Explain to me how you would have handled it?" "You could have been politer about it." the rep said. "I'll admit, I may have had a tinge of sarcasm in my voice, but did I say anything that wasn't true?" "No, you didn't." "And what, mechanically could I have done to make this jerk happy?" I asked. "Nothing, really." he grudgingly admitted. "You have a nice day." "You too."  Now if this guy had bought a Tahoe with a traditional transfer case that has a 2wd mode, and the smaller 4.8 or 5.3 liter V8, even if he drove like a madman-it would have gotten probably 16 or 17 mpg, which he probably wouldn't have complained about. The way this story relates to musclecars is this-There's a personality type that has to have the biggest, best, rarest, most expensive thing out there whether they need it or not, and these people often find they don't like it after they have it. Here's a couple of examples I found during last year's "Hot August Nights." I spoke to an older, grey haired gentleman that had a for-real, one of 116 ever made 1969 L88 427 Corvettes. I complimented him on the car and said if it was mine I'd have a personalized liscence plate that said KNG KONG. Get it? King Kong? He laughed and said that would certainly be appropriate, as it was the most god-awful fast thing he'd ever driven, that it would go sideways at 40 mph in 2nd gear if you punched it, and that he'd given a few Dodge Vipers and Porsche 911 Turbo owners a history lesson they'll never forget on the freeway from say-50 mph to 130, when traffic got in the way. Then he said he was going to run it through the Barrett-Jackson auction and try to get most of the 100K plus that he'd paid for it back. "Why would you want to sell it, unless you were in financial trouble?" I said. "If you don't mind my asking." "I'm not trying to be rude or pry into your personal business." " No, no offense taken." He said. "I don't need the money, it's just not what I wanted." "My wife and I always wanted a Stingray to cruise around in." "This thing is ungodly fast, but the clutch is too stiff, it gets 6 mpg, it idles about 2,000 rpm, it pings even on premium with octane booster-if you don't run racing gas it pings like hell, the exhaust is way too loud, and it's always buzzing at 4,000 rpm on the freeway." "My wife burns her legs on the sidepipes every time she gets out of it." "Not to be rude, but if all you wanted was a weekend cruiser I wouldn't have bought a 12:1 compression, solid-lifter, 427, 4-speed model with headers and sidepipes and 4.56:1 gears." "You should have gotten a '70's model with a low-compression 350 and an automatic that will run on 87 octane gas and idle smooth." "I know that now." he said, ruefully. "I'm looking at a low-mileage '78 Silver Anniversary model." "I think that will serve our needs a lot better." "Or, even a '71-74 model with a low-compression, hydraulic cammed 454 would be ok if you still wanted a big-block." I said. "They make great crusiers, and still have lots of grunt." "Yeah, that's a way to go too." he said. "Nice talking to you." I said. "Good luck selling it." "If I had a house I could re-finance or something I'd buy it." He laughed. "Thanks for the advice." "Go play mega-bucks at the casino, maybe you can save me from going to the auction." "I hope so." I said-"Good luck" "Thanks." He was a nice old guy-but he fell into the trap of having to have the biggest, baddest thing available. Like he agreed-he and his wife would be much happier with a "Vette with a mild, 8.5:1 compression L48 350 or LS5 454 and a TH350 or TH400 and 3.08:1 or 3.36:1 gears. The 2nd case was almost identical. This guy was my dad's age-in his late '60's or early '70's. He had a 1965 Impala SS with a $15,000 12:1, solid-roller cammed, 720 hp 572 inch GMPP crate engine backed up by a $7,000 Art Carr prepped six-speed automatic. It was candy-apple red, and just gorgeous. His lament was the same- He had over 100 grand invested. "It's unbeleivably fast." he said. "It will literally smoke the tires as long as you want to stay on the throttle." "It's going about 90 mph before the speed of the tires match the speed of the road." "But it won't run on anything but 104 octane racing gas, it only gets 5-8 mpg, and the high-stall converter kind of puts its own "right now" into the acceleration process." "It's almost impossible to take off without spinning the tires." "Of Course, before I put the high-stall converter in, it would creep forward at stoplights and try to hit the car in front of me, or go into the intersection." "If I stood on the brakes, the tires would start smoking like I was powerbraking it."  I laughed. "You were." "With 685 lbs of torque, and a 1,200 rpm idle-it's going to try to take off with a stock type converter." The guy laughed. "I know that now." he said. "I love ultra-badass cars as much as anyone." I said. "But that's a little overkill for a street car." "Why didn't you go for a hydraulic-cammed, 9.6:1 compression, 440 hp 454HO, or 500hp 502 and a simple TH400 with a stock converter?" "That should be enough power for anyone in a driver, not a race car." "I wish I'd gone that way." He replied. "Then it would run on pump gas, and idle decent and be pleasant to drive." "This thing's just a monster." "If I can't sell the whole car, maybe I'll try to sell the engine and tranny, and like you said-put a streetable 454 in it." "That's what I get for listening to my friends." "A bunch of competitive rich guys that always have to have the bigest and best of everything." "At least you won't make the same mistake on your next project, right?" "That's true." he said. "Nice talking to you." "You too." Anyway-the moral of the story is-Be careful what you want, because you might get it. Be brutally honest with yourself about what you really want and what your really going to do with the car. A 600 hp engine sounds good in theory, but if your going to drive the car at all, something with 9:1 compression and a cam that idles at 800 rpm makes a lot more sense. If you live in a big city with a lot of traffic-like San Francisco or L.A.-an automatic might be a better choice than a 4-speed. If you live in a rural area 30 miles from the nearest town, 4.11:1 gears will get old real quick. Something with 3.08:1 or 3.23:1 gears will be a lot more to your liking. See what I'm saying? If you were a handgun hunter, you wouldn't use a .44 Magnum to hunt rabbits would you? Bigger isn't always better.  Mastermind