Monday, March 13, 2017

Where does Charlize Theron from the new "Furious" fit on the all-time list? Too early to tell....

A couple times over the past few years people have enjoyed debating my list of the "Hottest Women in Musclecar / Action / Car Chase movies". Had quite a few people ask where I would rank Charlize Theron. If you live in a cave-she was the female lead in the "Mad Max" Fury Road epic last year, and she's the villain in the 8th "Fast&Furious" movie according to the trailers. Couldn't get too excited over "Fury Road". Tom Hardy's Max was a shell of the badass "Man with No Name" type revenger played by Mel Gibson. I mean he spent half the movie tied to the front of a car. Any ass-kicking that was done, was done by Charlize. I know it's not politically correct-but couldn't get turned on by Charlize with a shaved head and a prosthetic arm!! Sorry,just can't do it. Personally-I thought she was her absolute hottest as Keanu Reeves' doomed wife in "Devil's Advocate". I also liked her turn as the evil queen in "Snow White and the Huntsman". I want to meet the guy who kept her chained up naked and barefoot in the wagon-before Snow White's father saved her and married her, and sealed his doom!!  But I digress....All I've seen of the "Fate of the Furious" is the trailers. The action looks way too CGI-enhanced over the top, and all Vin Diesel does is scowl. Charlize does look smokin' hot with the hair extensions dressed in black tactical garb. I'll have to see the movie before I can give her a ranking. But judging from the previous "F&F" movies I seriously doubt if she's going to usurp Jennifer Billingsley, Susan George, Darlanne Fluegel, Jacqueline Bisset, Ali McGraw, or any of the other top-rankers on the list. Had some people gripe that I don't give modern ladies a fair shake. Not true. You have to take into account their performance and how it impacted the movie as a whole. If sheer hotness was all it took-then Raquel Welch would be the undisputed champ. The opening credits of "Fathom"-she doesn't say a word-but she's barefoot in bikini panties and a t-shirt and makes packing a parachute sexy as hell! No "Hannie Caulder" "Kansas City Bomber" and "Mother, Jugs, and Speed" are not classics by any means, but all Raquel had to do was stand there and breathe, and guys would watch. As for modern girls-I think Eva Mendes is smokin' hot and a pretty good actress. Gal Gadot is going to be awesome as "Wonder Woman" But does their 30 seconds in a bikini in "F&F 2" and "Fast Five" respectively top Darlanne Fluegel as "Ruth"-William Peterson's informant / hooker / parolee / girlfriend in "To Live and Die in L.A." who sets him and his partner up to rob a federal agent and tries to abscond with the money? The look on her face when his partner confronts her and says-"Your working for me now". is awesome. I love Scarlett Johansen, but has anything she's done in the "Avengers" "Lucy" or anything else compare to "Carol McCoy" the wife in "The Getaway"-played by Ali McGraw-who screwed a politician to secure Steve McQueen's release from prison, and then killed the guy when he was going to shoot Steve, and stayed with him through numerous car chases, gunfights and other mayhem?  Are you really going to argue that?  Are you going to say with a straight face that Jordana Brewster-woodenly pleading with Paul Walker and Vin Diesel-"Don't fight guys" "I love you both" through 5 movies ( she wasn't in 2Fast 2 Furious or "Tokyo Drift" ) tops "Shake-a-Puddin" from "White Lightning"- played flawlessly by Jennifer Billingsley-who knows she's a slut and doesn't care-tells Burt Reynolds "Roy isn't gonna be standin' there watchin' us"-referring to Bo Hopkins-her gangster boyfriend-while offering Burt a roll in the hay, and  isn't even offended when Burt sets her up for attempted rape by "Big Bear's" henchmen-she helps him escape and drives his wounded ass to a home for unwed mothers for medical attention. We find out that she gave up a child for adoption once. Jordana separating Walker and Diesel once a movie tops that?  There were some other gripes, but I have to refute them too. # 1. Smokey & The Bandit". She may have been the love of Burt Reynolds' life, but just can't excited over chipmunk cheeked Sally Field. "Gidget" "The Flying Nun". Can't do it.  # 2. "The Dukes of Hazzard". The AWFUL movie with Johnny Knoxville and Sean William Scott and Jessica Simpson. Jessica's horrible, phony, overdone southern accent was grating and annoying and the bikini scene fell flat as overly gratuitous even in a mindless comedy. Catherine Bach-the original "Daisy" was so smokin' hot that the producers made her wear pantyhose under the iconic shorts because they thought showing her bare legs could get them in trouble with the FCC!! ( Kind of like not showing Barbara Eden's abs / belly button on "I Dream of Jeannie" She could run around in the harem girl outfit with her nipples barely covered, saying stuff like "Please don't punish me, Master"-but a belly button is too damn much! ) Nope. Catherine all the way.  # 3. "The Getaway" ( 1994 Version ). Sorry fellas-a then 41 year old Kim Basinger-( still 3 years away from her Oscar win for "L.A. Confidential" ) while hot in a MILF / Cougar way-doesn't come close to the 24 year old Ali McGraw. Her and Steve McQueen had a torrid affair while filming-he left his wife and she left her husband-one of the producers of the film-that must have been awkward-and their chemistry ignited the screen. And Alec Baldwin trying to top the King of Cool?  Like MC Hammer said-"Can't touch this". He and Kim were married at the time, but they couldn't generate anywhere near the heat and passion that Steve and Ali did. # 4. "The Mechanic: Resurrection". Someone brought up this stinker sequel to the stinker re-make of the Charles Bronson classic. Since Arthur Bishop and Steve McKenna killed each other in the 1972 original-the fact that they made out like Bishop survived-obviously to leave room for a sequel-is offensive on it's own.  Jason Statham phones in his usual-"I'm a serious badass, so don't fuck with me" persona, and Jessica Alba-still smokin' hot,yes-but her wooden "damsel-in-distress" performance here makes her turn as a stripper in "Sin City" look Oscar-worthy by comparison. I thought Linda Cristal was way cooler in "Mr Majestyk". She drove the truck in the iconic chase-( footage was used in the "Built Ford Tough" ads for years after ) and helped Bronson take on the gangsters that were threatening him. Alba simply looked fetching and screamed while waiting for Statham to save her repeatedly. No comparison. Anyhow-we'll see in April how Charlize Theron rates-if she even does at all-on the all-time list. Mastermind               

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